The first round of the 2022 NFL Draft has come and gone. Possibly the most exciting first round ever, even though the top end talent is probably the mildest in recent memory. Trades, player moves and surprise picks, nothing is off limits with the National Football League. But we’re here to talk heavy metal, so how can we mix these 2 behemoths together?
We’re going to take the top 10 picks of the 2022 NFL draft, and reimagine each of the players as a well known heavy metal band. A stroke of genius, or a disaster waiting to happen? Who knows, but here we go….
1. Travon Walker – Jacksonville Jaguars
“With the first pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select…..PANTERA”
Surprise number one? Possibly the most insane athletic combination ever to walk into the NFL, but with significantly below average production. The Jacksonville Jaguars pick here is the very definition of taking a long shot on the possibility of a hall of fame output. Pure raw potential. Assuming the big edge rusher finds hit feet as a quarterback menace, let’s take the mighty Pantera. Starting life as a glam band (still feels strange to say that), they clearly had the raw potential for what they ultimately became, but had not yet shown it. Then we get 1990’s Cowboys From Hell, the potential crystallised and a legend was born.
2. Aidan Hutchinson – Detroit Lions
“With the second pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select….VOLBEAT”
A no brainer for the Detroit Lions here. Hometown kid and the (largely) consensus top player in the draft falls into their lap with the second pick. A safe pick, Hutch showed consistent, elite talent in college and should be a lock to produce at the higher level. Here I am going with Volbeat as my metal comparison. The safe easy pick to produce constantly top quality with little doubt of consistent output. Eight albums in and yet to disappoint, the Danish rockabilly crossover stars never miss a beat.
3. Derek Stingley Jr. – Houston Texans
“With the third pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select….DROWNING POOL”
In 2019, cornerback Derek Stingley Jr had one of the greatest single seasons ever as a freshman. The next 2 years (marred by injury) never lived up to this level, but didn’t stop the Houston Texans selecting him with the third overall pick. A metal band that had a stellar opening act but failed to produce anything to that quality again? Have to go with Drowning Pool here. Their debut album Sinner one was of the defining albums of the nu-metal revolution of the turn of the century. Following the tragic loss of original singer Dave Williams, Drowning Pool never produced another album matching this quality.
4. Ahmad “Sauce” Gardner – New York Jets
“With the fourth pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select….SYSTEM OF A DOWN”
A press man cornerback, Sauce Gardner famously never gave up a touchdown in his entire college career. Sounds untouchable to me. Sounds like a perfect career with no blemishes. An untouchable metal band with a flawless career? Can only be the one and only System of a Down. With very few albums for such a long career, and not a single dud – even their B sides album is killer. System of a Down are the epitome of untouchable.
5. Kayvon Thibodeaux – New York Giants
“With the fifth pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, the New York Giants select….ANTHRAX”
The NFL draft is such a peculiar process. Once seemingly a lock for the number 1 overall pick, edge rusher Kayvon Thibodeaux got labelled with all sorts of overblown off field concerns and ultimately dropped to number 4 to the New York Jets. A New York troublemaker as a metal band? Anthrax is the choice. Sticking their nose into the Bay Area thrash scene from the East Coast, and marred by seemingly never-ending line up changes. Sound like New Yorkers with a bit of attitude? You got it!
6. Ikem Ekwonu – Carolina Panthers
“With the sixth pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers select….BLACK SABBATH”
Offensive tackle Ikem Ekwonu is the run stopping mauler of the 2022 NFL draft class. A dominant belligerent demolisher of all before him. Carving a path for the running backs to pass through behind him. We need to find a metal band that laid the path for everyone to follow behind. Well that can be the one and only Black Sabbath. Argue amongst yourselves who actually started the holy path of heavy metal, but there is no doubting no-one opened more doors to the world of metal than the Birmingham pioneers in Black Sabbath. Sounds like a dominant run blocking tackle to me.
7. Evan Neal – New York Giants
“With the seventh pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, the New York Giants select….MASTODON”
A giant human being, offensive tackle Evan Neal is the most well rounded run and pass blocking tackle in the 2022 NFL draft. 6 foot 7, 350 pounds, fast and versatile, he can really do it all. So we need a metal band that is massive, versatile and reliable. Mastodon has to be the choice here. Their worst album – whichever you think it is, can legitimately be described as ‘least-best’ rather than ‘worst’. They are flexible, from fast paced prog metal, to Neo-death metal, to slimy sludge doom filth. Legendary and reliable, the New York Giants hope to have their right tackle of the future.
8. Drake London – Atlanta Falcons
“With the eighth pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, the Atlanta Falcons select….ELECTRIC CALLBOY”
An overreach at number 8 for the Atlanta Falcons? Drake London is a big bodied receiver to pair with another powerhouse in Kyle Pitts (he’s a receiver too – not a tight end). Speed and separation are legitimate questions, but you can’t teach size and bullying at the catch point. In the metal world, bullying all before them, massive and untouchable, but with more still to prove? Have to go with Electric Callboy here. Plenty of style and swagger like the big receiver himself, Electric Callboy have hit the big time with their recent singles, but still have to prove they can pull together a whole album matching their recent quality.
9. Charles Cross – Seattle Seahawks
“With the ninth pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, the Seattle Seahawks select….RAMMSTEIN”
No-one gets past Charles Cross. The big offensive tackle from Mississippi State made his way to the Seattle Seahawks at 9. No-one slips, nothing gets past. Do we have a big time metal band where no-one has ever left? Yes we do, the German industrial pioneers Rammstein. A very rare example of never changing a band member since their inception, it certainly has done nothing to halt their ascension to the very pinnacle of the metal scene. Now the Seahawks just need a quarterback to make use of the protection…
10. Garrett Wilson – New York Jets
“With the tenth pick in the 2022 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select….METALLICA”
The king of separation, no-one does it better in this draft class than Ohio State wide receiver Garrett Wilson. The Jets are doing what they can to help their young quarterback Zack Wilson prove he’s the future of the franchise. We need to find a metal band who has separated themselves from the competition. I think this can be the one and only Metallica. Love or hate everything they have done, no-one else has come close to achieving the heights they have from the origins of the trash metal scene.
Well there we have it. The 2022 NFL Draft, but reimagined as metal bands. Not a bad draft at all, you would have a damn good start for your franchise putting those together.
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